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Nothing Feels Real

by Good Dog

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1.
I’m driving and I’m nauseous And I’m praying for a cigarette My hands won’t take me home Or pull me off the road yet I’m staring at my bony knees There’s really not much left of me I’m just a shell of who I Used to be I don’t think I’m getting better In fact, it’s probably worse I’m trying just to hold myself Together though there’s no one else Who cares enough to tell me I’m important and they miss me I’m nauseous and I’m passing out Lock the doors, I’m checking out I’ll drive all night until I see the sun So goodbye, have fun I can’t muster up a single word I’m trying not to hit the curb I’m turning up the radio And running out of energy To face the faces of my friends I’m running out of confidence I’ll hit the bottle Then I’ll hit the hay I’m trying just to hold myself Together though there’s no one else Who cares enough to tell me I’m important and they miss me I’m nauseous and I’m passing out Lock the doors, I’m checking out I’ll drive all night until I see the sun So goodbye, have fun
2.
Pass/Fail 02:09
Not as smart as they said I was I’m failing all my classes Drinking, smoking cigarettes because I can’t believe I was gonna be a doctor Maybe I’d have even cured cancer but I can’t find myself here at all Everyone around me’s getting A’s I really dropped the ball Maybe I’m not cut out for this They’re gonna find me somewhere Not breathing while I’m lying in a ditch Something just isn’t working here Everything’s always been so clear Something just isn’t working here Packing up my things, getting out of here Moving into a house with friends I hope my scholarship will last Long enough to pay my rent I used to have some motivation But that train has left the fucking station and It left me stranded Now I’m walking back home Feel the blisters forming Rubbing down to the bone I’m gonna try to do my best Who am I kidding I’m just a fucking mess Something just isn’t working here Everything’s always been so clear Something just isn’t working here Packing up my things, getting the fuck out of here
3.
Bald Spot 02:24
Sometimes my hair falls out And every muscle in my body tends to ache But that’s okay I used to love myself Now I’d do anything to throw my life away Maybe some day that will change I fucking hate myself I am a crying screaming mass of human flesh I'm just a mess I have my fists up I keep getting punched right in the mouth either way But I’m okay My nose is bleeding I am just backed into a corner left to fear Just why I'm here Covered in bruises From all the times I try to fight the thoughts away I'm not okay Tired of fighting Ready to give up everything that I have left I have to rest I have a good life I am a privileged fucking person, I can’t see I don’t feel free I am a piece of shit I and I deserve it all I can’t stand tall I am a burden Can’t get a word in I’m fucking hurting I’m scared and I’m nauseous No one should trust me I can’t be cautious I am so selfish I can’t do the right thing I think I’m rebellious I’m so fucking tired I can’t feel desired I can’t be rewired Sometimes my hair falls out
4.
:( 02:34
Sometimes I ask myself Why do I even try when nothing feels right and i never feel at home I always drive a wedge between my friends and i even though they do not know it i try not to show myself sometimes i ask myself why do i cry at night i should enjoy the life i lead cause things are going good when i look inside all i see is dust from something gone so long ago i left myself to rust still i try to laugh and see myself in light as a human not a monster something worth a lifelong fight i try to understand the good that others see i’ll bare the pain from bloody lips and scraped up knees but I’m so tired i can’t help feeling like a liar cause i could have it so much worse exaggerating my self-worth rich white kid from nassau county i’m nothing life goes on without me
5.
Losing Teeth 01:26
Crashed my car Failed a test Fuck the world I’m a mess Losing sleep Losing teeth Losing friends I’m losing me Give me drugs Give me booze Give me something Else to lose Losing my mind Every day It’s okay I’m okay I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself Whoa x a billion Weeks and weeks Going by Promise myself That I’ll try Giving up Passing out Living my life Full of doubt I’ll ever make it Past this stage I’ll find something Else to blame Nauseas feeling Petrified I’m gonna die I wanna die I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself Whoa x a billion I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself Whoa x a billion
6.
Untitled 01:33
God my lungs are burning but there's nothing left to lose I'll still take another hit and then I'll try to sing the blues The world is full of questions but the answers don't exist So I'll keep having temper tantrums, live my life like this Tell myself I'll never be successful being me Make myself an actor, but pretend I'm living free I'll always be a second rate and lonely piece of shit But I'll keep myself afloat as long as I will still exist My friends tell me I'm nice and that they like me all the same Even though I'm horrible and I'm always to blame For everything that happens to the people that I love And I can't fight the feeling that I'll never be enough My heart is never in it, but I study til I'm dead I still can't rip self-hatred from the inside of my head And though it's not that funny I still laugh about my heart And the fact that I can feel it beating even in the dark
7.
Dinner after midnight Same clothes as yesterday I haven't made my bed in weeks Skin is looking grey Shower with my socks on Living for the now Taking shots at 10 AM Never wonder how And it's this messy kind of sadness That makes it all okay There is comfort in the chaos When I am standing in the rain Wake and bake each morning Go right back to sleep Never feeling rested Having never counted sheep Rug burns from the carpet Scabs from scratching hard Blisters on my feet from walking Never going far And it's this messy kind of sadness That makes it all okay There is comfort in the chaos When I am standing in the Make some tea each morning Forget until its dark Lying on the grass Try to recognize the stars Screaming into nothing Forget about the past Moving past the fact that I'm not built to last And it's this messy kind of sadness That makes it all okay There is comfort in the chaos When I am standing in the rain It's this messy kind of sadness That makes it all okay There is comfort in the chaos When I am standing in the rain
8.
Every day I can feel myself sinking Under everything I’m thinking about I feel like I’m putting bricks into my backpack Getting further from the surface, down and out Every day I can feel myself drowning And I stubbornly insist that I’m okay I feel like I’m getting fine with all the water That is filling both my lungs up all the way And oh, I know that I can stop it But what makes you think I’m gonna try? Cause trying takes some effort And I’m sorry, but I’m tired And I’m so uninspired And I’m sorry just so sorry that Every day I just think about dying And I know that it’s hard for you to hear I feel like it’s getting to the point where I’m cliche and I just want to disappear Every day I can’t hear myself thinking And I just continue sinking because I I feel like everything should make me happy But still one day I will have to say goodbye Every day I can feel my bones breaking Every risk that I am taking won’t pay off I feel like I am losing all ambition And I’ll always be a stubborn deadly cough And oh, I know that I can stop it But what makes you think I’m gonna try? Cause trying takes some effort And I’m sorry, but I’m tired And I’m so uninspired And I’m sorry just so sorry that I live in a constant state of fear and misery Do you miss me anymore? And I don't even notice When it hurts anymore Anymore Anymore Anymore I live in a constant state of fear and misery Do you miss me anymore? And I don't even notice When it hurts anymore Anymore Anymore Anymore

about

Yo so I was real sad while I was writing this, hope y'all can't relate. Peace.

credits

released August 10, 2016

Gill - all things
Thanks for the mic, Zach
Recorded at Our Lady of Perpetual Hope in Hempstead, NY

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Good Dog Queens, New York

from queens ny, likes to keep it real

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